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Facial Hair Watch: The many emotional states of Adam Lind's goatee

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Adam Lind, who finished the 2013 season with 23 homers and a heathy-but-unremarkable ginger beard, has entered the young '14 campaign looking to make a statement both with his bat and with his new Bagwellian-goatee. 

While it's yet to be seen whether the first baseman can maintain a .300 average through September, there's little doubt that his massive chin-burglar, with its many tendrils and tentacles, has taken on a sentient, emotional life all its own. Not buying that facial fur can have unique feelings and expressions? Just look at the photo evidence:

Hoping to make a good first impression:

Groomed goatee

Like an intern in a black suit on casual Friday, the fine grooming and stylish flip seem to indicate that this is a goatee ready for job interviews and networking lunches. 

Socially anxious:

Socially anxious goatee

The fraying, outward hair explosion at the ends of Lind's goatee indicate stress, especially around Jose Reyes' more traditional growth. 

Exuberant:Exuberant

Lind's goatee was so happy at this particular moment that it not only puffed up with confidence, but also pulled Lind's mouth open into a smiling position. 

Determined: 

Determined goatee

Though difficult to see in this photo (Melky Cabrera's thumb-sucking pantomime may have stolen the photog's attention), here we see Lind's goatee pulled forward with a Van Dykian-slant. It's rigid and ready for whatever dangers are thrown its direction. 

Confused:

Confused goatee

Perhaps misremembering the local Chinese takeout place's phone number or unsure of which retirement plan is best, the goatee's swirling depths here indicate moderate inner turmoil.

Nervous about finals season: 

Frightened goatee

Here we see the goatee so anxious about the upcoming finals seasons that it requires outside intervention. It's a rare sight to see among facial hair, especially as beards, mustaches, and goatees rarely have to worry about college. However, with a few soothing strokes, a frightened beard can quickly return to stasis. 

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How does Adam Lind's goatee stack up against the rest of the facial hair in the Major Leagues? Let's go to the scorecard. Note that advanced metrics and Russian figure skating politics do apply:

Adam Lind Facial Hair Watch scorecard

Will Lind's score rise as his goatee grows in mass and girth? Stay tuned to Facial Hair Watch 2014 all season as we seek to answer that question.


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